The 5 Love Languages: Quality Time

Quality time is more about quality than time. We can watch television with our spouse. We can sit in the same room as them, but loving your spouse is taking it to the next step. Creating quality time with your spouse is all about creating quality conversation.

It’s not enough for you to be home together in the evenings. If your spouse desires quality time, you need to talk about her/his day- commenting, listening and showing interest. You need to take a moment with your spouse before you are bombarded with children, dinner plans and activities.

Gary Chapman says, “Quality conversation means sympathetic dialogue when two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. “ It may be for easy for you to “talk” to your spouse, but harder to share feelings, thoughts and desires. Challenge yourself to be intimate in conversation with your spouse.

Practical Tips:
• Maintain Eye Contact
• Give undivided attention: no music, television, phone, computers
• Listen for Feelings
• Observe Body Language
• Refuse to interrupt

Along with intimate conversation, it is important do quality activities together. Be willing to do a 5000-piece puzzle together, not because you love puzzles but because you love being with your spouse. If you can make time for meals and exercise, you can make time for intimate conversation and quality activities. Set aside time each week to spend an intimate night with your spouse. Plan a night at the driving range, a romantic restaurant, or a cozy bookstore.

The 5 Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

‘Words of Affirmation’ is not just about kind words. Mark Twain may say, “I can survive for two months on a good compliment,” but your spouse may need more than just a couple of complements.

Encouraging Words: We each have areas in our lives where we lack courage. Through our spouse’s encouragement, we can reach our full potential. Through encouraging words, we can show our spouse we believe in their abilities. (Example: You are a great guitar player; you should find an open mic night in town. I think others would really enjoy your music.)

Kind Words: We have the choice to speak in anger or in kindness. We have the option of justice or forgiveness. When we choose kindness and forgiveness, we choose love. When your spouse has wronged you, show mercy. (Example: Your words really hurt me, but I will not let those words damage our marriage.)

Humble Words: When we demand something of our spouse, we are not involved in a partnership. When we make demands of our spouse, we forfeit intimacy. We can affirm our spouse’s worth and abilities by making requests. (Example: I really love that pasta you made last week, can you make it again?)

If your spouse’s Love Language is ‘Words of Affirmation’:
• Remember: Words are important.
• Set a goal to compliment your spouse each day for one month.
• Write your spouse a love letter.
• Compliment your spouse in front of parents and friends (double points).

“Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

This book offers some powerful guidelines for creating and sustaining a Christ-centered, thriving, productive marriage. “Marriage is a lot of work. Period.” If couples are willing to pour their hearts into this hard work, the marriage not only sustains but grows and deepens.

If marriage is not all about happiness, than what is it about? This book provides six values that work to produce great boundaries in marriage.

• Love God first, with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength.
• Loving your spouse: Seeking the best for the other person no matter whether they deserve it or not.
• Honesty, accompanied by enough grace to hear and deal with the truth it brings.
• A Faithful spouse is one who be trusted, depended upon, and believed in, and one in whom you can rest.
• Compassion and Forgiveness - no failure is larger than grace.
• Pursuing Holiness means that you and your spouse pursue becoming the kind of people who can produce true love and life.

This book also offers ideas for protecting your spouse/marriage and how to resolve conflicts. The authors always point the readers to the Truth of the Bible. The author states, “When loving God is our orienting principle in life, we are always adjusting to what He requires from us.” Along with Scripture, the authors also share many stories of real couples. These stories address couple’s questions and struggles about marriage.

This is a great book to read as a couple, and a great opportunity to answer questions about yourself and your spouse. It could be life-changing to go through when you are engaged, and also a beneficial read later in marriage, when you’ve both grown as individuals and as a couple and gotten to know each other better!

The Five Love Languages

In the next few weeks, we will be looking at the 5 love languages: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Receiving Gifts. Whether you are preparing for marriage or you have been married for many years, it is vital you and your partner explore how each express and interpret love.

In his book, “The 5 Languages”, Gary Chapman says, “The need for love is primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”

In our marriages, each of us long to feel loved and appreciated. Chapman says, “We feel secure when we are assured that our mate accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being.” If we understand our mate’s language of love, we can better understand how to make them feel accepted, wanted, and loved.

Stayed tuned for a further explanation of the Love Languages. You can read about the love languages in Gary Chapman’s book: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to a Love that Lasts. You can also find a love language assessment on the 5 Love Languages website.