Love and Respect by Marissa Ruehs

When I met my husband, I remember asking my Grandfather the secret to a long and successful marriage.  He jokingly said, " Well, a happy wife is a happy life!"  Then, he looked at my fiance and said, " If you just say yes to all of her requests, you two should be fine."  I knew he was joking, but I was still left with the question, "What is the secret to a successful marriage?"

I recently attended the Love and Respect conference led by husband and wife team Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs.  It was a refreshing look on God's perfect design for marriage, and how we, as Christian husband and wives, can positively and biblically motivate one another.

In a society inundated with messages of equality, feminism, and an "all you need is love" mentality, it is easy to get lost in the marriage shuffle after you walk down the wedding aisle.  After the vows are said, the pictures are taken, and the honeymoon phase starts to fade to a new reality, what is the secret to success in marriage?  Well, according to the Word of God, it's pretty clear!  Ephesians chapter 5:22-33 sums it all up very well.  However, it is verse 33 that really catches my attention: " However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  Does it really all come down to an unconditional exchange of Love and Respect?  How do we get past the notion that husband must earn respect and wives should be deserving of love in order to be loved?  According to Rev. Eggerichs, it all has to do with something called the "Crazy cycle" and the "Energizing cycle".

Men have been designed with a God-given need and desire for respect; not only from their peers, but specifically from their wives.  In fact, they desire unconditional respect, which is a foreign concept in our society!  As stated by Emerson, this world has given the wife a license to say, " I love him, but I don't respect him."  Is this not equal to a husband saying to a wife, "I respect you, but I do not love you."?  When a wife disrespects her spouse, his response is not to show her love, which is the woman's greatest need. And so the cycle continues.  This is called the "Crazy Cycle."  This cycle is detrimental to any marriage, and often times can starve the couple from God's plan in their relationship.

The "Energizing Cycle" is just the opposite!  Rev. Eggerichs has concluded, " Love empowers a husband to energize his wife, and respect empowers a wife to energize her husband."  Sounds simple, doesn't it?  Well, a few key factors play into this healthy cycle.  Husbands, the following list is for you, taken from the outline given by Rev. Eggerichs.

CLOSENESS: WHEN YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER FACE TO FACE
OPENNESS: WHEN YOU ARE NOT SECRETLY MAD AT HER
UNDERSTANDING: WHEN YOU EMPATHIZE WITH HER
PEACEMAKING: WHEN YOU FORGIVE HER
LOYALTY: WHEN YOU ARE COMPLETELY COMMITTED TO HER
ESTEEM: WHEN YOU RESPECT HER ABOVE ALL ELSE


Wives, here is your list.

CULTIVATE: APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE TO WORK AND ACHIEVE
HIERARCHY: APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE TO PROTECT AND PROVIDE
AUTHORITY: APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE TO BE STRONG AND TO LEAD
INSIGHT: APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE TO TEACH
RELATIONSHIP: APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE FOR A SHOULDER TO SHOULDER FRIENDSHIP
SEX: APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE FOR SEXUAL INTIMACY

If we want successful, joy-filled, satisfying marriages, then we must not follow the marriage advise of the world.  As Christians, we are called to follow God's instructions for marriage!  Is it easy? No!  But remember, we can do all things in Christ, who strengthens us!

Marissa Ruehs

More information can be found through Love and Respect Ministries, INC.

The 5 Love Language: Acts of Service

For many of us, servanthood comes easy. We find joy in cooking for others, raking leaves and hosting parties. We are the first one to volunteer, stay late to clean up, and take on nursery duty. For others of us, we haven’t got a clue. Maybe we don’t have the time or energy to serve others, not even our spouse.

Acts of service is doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please by serving, to express your love by doing things for your spouse.

Examples of Acts of Service:

• Unloading the dishwasher
• Changing the cat’s litter box
• Vacuuming
• Paying the bills
• Dealing with landlords and insurance companies

All of these acts require thought and planning. Those whose love language is act of service appreciate when you go out of your way to do something that needs to be done.

Many times, frustration and anger come into play when we make demands instead of requests. It is also important you are specific with what you need help with. Your spouse may want to help out around the house, but may not know where to start. You can jot down a list of things you need/want done.

Practical Tips:

• Have your spouse make a list of 10 things he/she would like you to do. Spend a month doing all of these things.
• If your spouse is the cook, do the dishes.
• Pick a room at home to do a major clean-up/organization. Post a note on the door: “To (Name) with love”